The rest of the world lies bright, but without clarity. There are no simple answers to the questions nature poses. All that matters to exist swell with the each breath. Just a glimpse, a moment. We chase after what calls us, but at the moment we focus to wonder our goals, we question the ambition that so drives us. Ambiguity, lost in revelation.

This weather, this climate, this season, this twilight is pulling me onto a road familiar like an old friend. It holds a light air dragging wryly across my feet. It seems to be a burden, but no, I’m only eclipsed in the wake of it all.

Further down the river, I marvel at the stars and feel my heart overflow. The sun is now completely submerged beyond the drifting sea and only the faint song of the nearby cricket plays in the thicket of rustling grass and foliage. Creatures bred for the unfamiliar skip between night and day seem to hustle into life, but life in the instant slows to a dim freeze. There are no serious signs of life. Only faint whispers.

Just as my eyelids slide sheepishly over my sight, I’m nudged into an eerie blindness. Dark and still, but with a heartening motion. I don’t dip into the realm of dreams and the spectacular, but I’m not yet awake either. I stir in a limbo, devoid of gravity yet sustained in my own weight. Slight movements get lost in my mind’s own thoughts. My own weariness drags away at the edge of consciousness all while the sky still continues to fade black. Its dark blue luminescent across the sky, stars beginning to poke through the canvas. The music in the distance slowly diminishes to a halt leaving the subtle ring in the air and gives the nightly frogs a chance to sign their lullabies to an ever growing sleeplessness.

I had a dream two nights ago of myself getting lunch at my school cafeteria. It was an ordinary day and all seemed in place. I grabbed two trays full of food, payed, sought a table and sat myself down. Now, there were two kids sitting at this table with me, but at the farther end minding their own business. The duo had little hair and had beady, mischievous eyes that fit snugly in their fuzzy heads. As I stared at my lunch, it was a standard school lunch that would be found in most public schools and was somewhat sub-par. However, I was famished and cared little for what I was about to put in my stomach. I was right about to enjoy until one of the boys came over and took one of my french fries. Obnoxious, no? Well, he took only one and I didn’t mind. Then he took another one. It puzzled me, as to why he took my food. I mean, he brought a lunch from home and it was sitting in his vacant seat. Soon after, his friend came over and now both of them were trying to eat my french fries. At that point I was fuming and I rebuked them just as they deserved. But they retorted, “look at ALL of that food you have.. why are you upset at us taking a few fries?”

Soon after he told me, I looked at my trays and realized that I no longer had just two trays, but six and seven.. and eight and nine until it covered the surface of the lunch table. I was once again puzzled at not only the strangeness of the dream, but also at the boys’ audacity. Then I woke up.

This was actually a dream I had two nights ago and I woke up without wondering what I dreamed about. But then I remembered, and then I began to ponder. In fact, I still happen to ponder, how it plays out even now.

Sweetly, softly, the Sun fades through the sky riding along the glistening shades of the clouds. Drift back and notice the stars’ failure to poke their far-traveled light through the gleam of the Sun’s dying rays. Even still, as the sky fades dark, a small breath comes alive and fades into the chilling air. Glistening, shimmering, white wisps of cloud mirror the warm tones of the drifting Sun and almost impossibly merge into the cooling blue of Night’s kiss.

Slight, slow, still.

Sunk is the Sun, drowning beneath the silhouette of the uneven horizon. All that remains is the legacy of its flame, just a memory hanging on the dark edges of the clouds but hovering over the peaks of the pointed and curved hills. No thoughts, but a whisper. A faint glow of the majesty of the Day stilled by the coming of Night and her cool breath draping the waters and hills like a blanket.

Soon heaven’s voices clear the air and all that’s left is the stirring of a nearby pond. Each slow turn of the wind nudges the water to the ebb and flow of her gentle words. Pushing and pulling, it’s only the shimmering waves of light and sound while the Sun’s dying songs lay down for the night. Until morning, until rising again.

As I’ve always thought, my thoughts were simply mine. I still feel that to be somewhat true, but I come to a place where I believe that my thoughts become too complicated for anyone but myself. That is quite true on some levels, but then this idea captivates my whole system of beliefs and I limit God into a space where not even He, the all-knowing, could understand what I’m thinking. That, obviously, is utterly and limitlessly false.

I’m tired of believing that the grass won’t be greener, that I’m destined to feel less than I’m worth. I’m tired of slipping into lies and calling them truth, like so many of us tend to do. It’s not condemnation, it’s a veil. Jesus did not come to condemn me. He came because he loves me and because of this, I am free. Salvation did not come out of obligation, but it came from sheer delight, and out of grace lifted me out. “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 18:19. And no longer do I need to worry of this veil, this shroud that hovers in front of my eyes. Because “At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.” Matthew 27:51. The curtain, the veil, any hindrance between me and God was torn and is no longer any threat to me.

So yes, is this a funk? Maybe. Am I moving forward? Always. My thoughts were never simply my own, nor were they too complicated for God. As I step forward, day by day, there are weights being added on to my back, but making my legs stronger, and at the same time, weights without value get tossed. Constant change, constant growth and while this path crumbles beneath my feet, I can have faith and live by your will. You have called me to “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances…” because this is Your will for me in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

Amidst the storm of mind-numbing carelessness and ceaseless noise, all is made still and all that’s left is to rest in the serenity. Be patient and joyful. Keep your head held high because I am faithful and I will finish it.

However, I am currently feeling very loosely put together. The grass is just as green, the skies still hang lazily over the horizon, but I myself am raw and unabiding to the laws and customs of the social norm. Frankly, I have little regard for the establishment of social custom right now and I’m moving as a breeze through the thicket of decorated people and obnoxious humor. The carelessness is simply too much for me to care for right now, and I’m simply taking a step back. I’m not removing myself in much sense, but making myself some breathing room to come to terms with myself and others around me.

It might do some good to realize the world we live in and appreciate the relationships we have. To taking step by step to grow and relish the time we have while paving the way for ourselves and those who follow in our tracks. The world exists much further than ourselves, and for just a moment, just that split moment, it will be understood.

Whilst the world watches,
I convince myself they don’t
And yet, they don’t.

I am not as surreal as I believe-
Nor as real as I imagine,
But harboring the finite.

Laboring of the finite,
Processed from the infinite
Leveled in base of Cross-road.

And, this isn’t just a “oh my goodness, I’m a senior, the world is mine!” kind of mindset. This is a framework of mind which has developed over quite a few years and is still in the process of growing and maturing. I have also realized I’m leaving these walls to only be seated into another set of classes, mentors, and peers. New settings to replace the same themes. It’s coming, but I have bigger things in mind. I may not be able to see the whole picture, but I can sure try as hard as I possibly could to broaden my horizons.

However, until then,
These walls are all I know.

Winds rising from the source of ingenuity,
Restful calm gathers around,
But just the fading echo
Lost without ears to receive.